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Many people believe that they are uniquely unsatisfied in their lives and harder to please than others. But research suggests that what they’re experiencing is a negativity bias hardwired in the evolutionary brain.
While once an important trait that kept humans safe, this mental pull and hypersensitivity toward noticing threats and problems can zap the enjoyment out of life and lead to what feels like a permanent state of discontentment. It’s a bummer, but it’s also normal and natural.
However, by personalizing this phenomenon and seeing it as your own unique flaw, you are predisposed to doubt your own judgment about when a work situation is bad for you and needs to be improved or outright changed.
If you secretly fears that you can never be satisfied, you are more apt to stay and tolerate bosses, cultures and lifestyles that are fundamentally wrong for you and lead your career astray.
The good news is that you can reverse your opinion on what you now think of as a flaw in your personality and make it an asset. Here are the four steps to get you there.
Step 1: Shift to neutral
Studies show that self-talk habits rarely move from negative to positive without first taking a pit stop at neutral. So instead of trying to change your own mind about your inability to be satisfied, simply work to affirm that you are displaying normal and natural behavior.
Instead of telling yourself “I’m never satisfied,” try encouraging the thought that “I’m attuned to the potential issues around me.” This is neither negative nor positive, it is simply a fact. Spending time taking the sting and judgment out of your self-talk will give you space to see your behavior in a new light.
Step 2: Own your power
Once you’ve settled into the habit of neutralizing the statement, try capitalizing on what is an objective skill—you are more aware of the issues around you. This skill has value so make sure you are able to see and appreciate it.
Remind yourself, especially when you feel a pang of shame over being dissatisfied, that “I’m discerning about what works for me and what doesn’t.”
Can that focus on problems and grievances get out of hand and cause anxiety? Yes, when taken to the extreme. But for now, practice self-compassion by affirming the value of your instincts.
Step Three: Resist duality
Does looking on the bright side make you happier or does being able to see issues and problems help you avoid unhappiness? It’s a trick question because there’s no need to choose one over the other—both are important.
You have to be encouraging and discerning to seek and find fulfillment in your career. Both pieces are needed and one does not negate the other.
Through nature or nurture, you may have stronger skills in critical analysis but that doesn’t preclude you from strengthening your ability to dream, hope and affirm.
What often holds people back is the belief that there’s a dichotomy between seeing issues and being hopeful. You may believe that you have to choose whether you should be optimistic or pessimistic. In reality, you will achieve better results if you can give yourself permission to cultivate both aspects in your life.
Step Four: Continue to optimize
Maybe you’ve made career moves in the past only to find yourself just as unhappy as before, which can understandably shake your confidence in your ability to make choices.
You may even worry that you are, or soon will be, wandering around from job to job without making meaningful progress toward where you want to be. And that’s a real fear; you certainly may be lost or off-track right now. Just don’t let the belief that you can’t be satisfied leave you permanently stuck.
There’s a common misconception that good careers have final destinations. This is propagated by the push to find our “calling” or passion, as if discovering this one ideal job will fix everything and get us going in the right direction.
In practice, people that report a high level of satisfaction with their career don’t find one calling that lasts throughout their lives; they instead continue to optimize their work life around what they need at each stage. They use their discernment skills (which you’re already good at!) to move away from the things they don’t want or are no longer serving them, and work toward better fits.
Finding fulfillment in your work life requires constant exploring and growing. In every case, you need to also embrace hope and positivity when and how you can. There are no easy fixes, but things will improve if you commit to staying in the process.
Kourtney Whitehead is a career expert and author of Working Whole. You can learn more about her work at Simply Service.
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October 28, 2019 at 12:51AM
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